Absolutely Bimbotica Ver 2.0: Living the Flamboyant Lifestyle

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

The Musings of a 17-year-old.

I stared at Blogger's "Create Post" page for a very long time before deciding if I should blog. I've so many things to say, so many things to pour out and at times it gets fucking frustrating when you aren't able to say anything. I know I'm rambling now but I guess it's just my way of getting things started.

I can finally heave a huge sigh of relief, cos projects are finally over. I know I didn't performed well, but hey, I think I gave it enough effort. So, I won't be complaining if someone marks me down for PE, but please be fair and square when you do it. I think it's really true when my seniors tell me that Year 2 ruins friendships. I see a living example. But bear in mind, I'm not blaming anyone. Let me reinforce, I just wanna pass Year Two smoothly and not lose eons of friends along the way. I'm feeling really jaded now after so much that has happened in school. I see friendships crumble, friends fighting over projects and people ending up in tears. I've been crying alot lately because of school. It's fucking irritating and painful sometimes when things don't go your way. I used to choose to blame it on anyone else but myself. But now, I've opened my eyes and realised that to a certain extent, it's my fault. But hey, I'm only human, and I'm not perfect. So are you. I definitely do not want relationships entangled in work relationships. It becomes unhealthy and sometimes moves on to personal attacks.

I guess many people are feeling this way now, it's just whether you choose to voice it out. I chose to do so. Next semester will be even more hellish, but let's not think about it now. We've two barriers to cross now- the exams. After that, I'm looking forward to my well-deserved six weeks break before hell unleashes all over again next semester. Sometimes, I do wonder, are people really cruel or do the surroundings make them act the way they do? People compete against one another hoping to be the best, but the worst- it's fucking sad to see friendships fall because of the competition. As of today onwards, I vow that I shall never let this happen- never lose friends because of work. But then again, it's really hard, cos people tend to want to pile the blame on someone. It's human nature. I know I'm contradicting myself, but I just hope everything will be done fair and square, and not at the expense of someone else's feelings.

I've never cried so much because of work. I know, many people will think, "But hey, Serene's work isn't exactly fantastic." I know things like that will run through your minds, but please bear in mind, I'm trying to do what I can to. I know I'm not exactly brilliant in my work, I know I'm not smart and there's only a certain standard I can achieve. I entered Mass Comm with an L1R4 of 13. It's BAD, in comparison to many other people. But I'll try to do my best, no doubt. And no, I'm not trying to redeem myself or something over here. If you've some opinions about me, be it good or bad ones, I'm sorry, but I'm not trying to change any of it. I know I seem weak. I admit, I'm emotionally weak. But if I don't bark, it doesn't mean I won't bite.

And please, stop speculating, cos this entry is not directed at anyone. It's just a very messed up post of my feelings. I want the happiness and carefreeness of Year One back again. Everyone was considerably so much happier. Maybe I just like living a lie.

I just want to stop feeling so jaded.

Well, on top of work, my family's so separated now. A family of six, located in five different places. I'm very upset when I think of this. I know Daddy has to work to provide us with an even more comfortable life, but it's unfair that such a good and happy family like mine has to be so, so apart from one another. It's even worse when a married couple has to be living in two separate countries and only seeing one another once every one, or two months.

[Today, come every few months we get the rare opportunity when all 6 of us are home together. And yes, we sit at that very same dining table (mom really does know how to preserve things you see), we now feel so cramped. Elbows knocking against one another, glasses tipping over dishes, etc. Yes, now the dining table is way too small for 4 grown children and their parents. Occassionaly, mom will quip to dad "Do you regret sawing off the table 20 years ago?"]

This excerpt is taken from my sister's blog, Doreen's. To read the full entry, please go to August 12, 2005 entry over here. Today, she wrote a new entry, the 7 September 2005 entry. I cried reading it.

I guess I'm really growing up. If you know me well, you would have heard me say "I can't wait to move out." in the past. But now, I really want to stay in my parents' nest forever. The love of a family- it's just so warm, and always so forgving. I've many friends who aren't close to their families, but maybe it's just a rebellious phase we go through. I just want to let you know, bear in mind, your parents are the one who feed, clothe and provide education for you. Please don't neglect these wonderful people. No matter how heated a quarrel might seem sometimes, you know at the end of the day, they're the ones who love you so very much and whatever they do, they hope it's the best for you. They're the ones whom you can always fall back on, cos they're family. Your family. You can lose your friends or your boyfriend or girlfriend, but a family will always stand by you and provide you with unconditional love, the reason being very simple- just because they're your family. No matter how wrong a day goes, the moment I step back home, I can feel the warmth that makes me feel better. After today, I know I'll definitely treasure the closeness of my family even more. My parents are in their mid-fifties already, and they will probably live for another three decades or longer, or God forbid, shorter than three decades. Three decades ain't that long if you look at it this way, By my mid-twenties and my parents' early sixties, I'll probably be married and starting my own family, away from this home. So, I only have say, another seven, eight years at home, to truly spend more time with my parents.

Doreen, Daphne, Elaine: I'm sorry it took me so long to grow up.

I'll look at it this way, I really am a lucky girl. I've some friends who really love and care for me, I have a family who gives unconditional love and a boyfriend who really takes care of me and loves me.

Speaking of boyfriend, Lik and I are doing very well. We've our occasional tiffs now and then, but he always gives in to me. Maybe, that's why I love him so much. I'm glad that Lik gets along very well with my mother. It warms my heart seeing my mum trusting the both of us. It warms my heart seeing my mother and my boyfriend being able to sit on the same table, carry on a conversation about all sorts of things and eating my mum's homemade orh kuih (yam cake). Both of them love orh kuih and my mum happens to make very good orh kuih. The Thursday before Creative Journal was due, he came to stay over for the first time. I went to take a short nap and my mum told me that he sat by my bed, reading, waiting for the time to wake me up to do my work. And my mum related to me, during my nap, Lik and her sat down at the dining table, ate orh kuih and talked about lots of things. I never expected that day to come, but it did. My boyfriend concluded and told me my parents really love and care for me.

Well, I'm a lucky girl (I'm not trying to rub salt on any wounds). I should treasure all the good things going for me. After typing this very long entry, I feel so much better, so much more relieved now.

If I were to die tomorrow, there's so many people whom I haven't told I loved them. So, from today onwards, Serene will be nicer to her loved ones- family, friends and boyfriend.

Sorry if I've been incoherent or said very jumbled up stuff.

BimboQueen
9/07/2005 04:49:00 pm