The aftermath of yesterday's events had a huge effect on me. I walked around looking like a panda with super swollen eyes, after crying non stop for about 5 hours yesterday. Mum barged into my room at 3am in the morning and started yelling at me again. The words she used hurt me. It hurt as much as slashing my wrists. Maybe even worse. When I woke up at 6.15am today morning, reality hit me that this was only the start of the troubles coming my way. I had to go outta house today whether I liked it or not. Dad doesn't want me to stay home. I guess he's scared I m gonna start quarreling with mum again. Mum’s starting to yell again. I guess she’s given up all hope on me. I can’t blame her, after all, this whole issue is my fault. And mine solely. I just feel like giving up on myself. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help having these thoughts. The blade seems so tempting at times like these. Just a few hard strokes and hopefully, my life will be over in a while. I just feel like I got nothing to look forward to anymore. Living life is a torture that I find so hard to endure. Sorry to be so emotional, but that’s how I am. I just feel like I’ve got nobody to hear me out. So I guess I’ll just have to vent out my frustrations in my words. I will turn over a new leaf. I’ll do anything as long as Mum forgives me and is willing to give me a second chance. I know I hurt both of them so deeply. Dad tells me Mum has been crying hysterically. I’ve hurt them deeper than I can ever imagine. I guess how I feel right now no longer matters to them. They shouldn’t care about how I feel. I should be concerned about the way they feel. I feel as bad as them or possibly even worse. To me now, home is like a place whereby I can’t act the way I want to. There just seems to be so much restrictions after yesterday. Elaine’s going back to KL this weekend. Dad is traveling off this weekend too. I don’t know how I’ll be able to survive the few days. With mum and me only at home, I get so scared. Last night, every slightest sound I heard woke me up. I m scared. Scared of all the verbal or maybe even physical abuse that will be inflicted of me. Mum said she’s not gonna send me to the JB immigrations after dad goes outta town. Bless me, the bus service here is terrible. How am I ever going to be able to get to school on time? Screwed. I just got to take a cab.
Spending time with Weisheng today has cheered me up. Tons. Thanks sweetie. He’s oh-so-funny., he makes me laugh. And he claims that secret window is not scary. As usual, I got scared outta my wits. I thought it was a pretty good movie, but he thought otherwise. And we talked serious today. Loads. He isn’t as shallow as I thought him to be. Argh, he’s facing shit too, but he can be happy. I am so bloody envious. Sorry to have that misconception that you are superficial.
Simon, I know you are bloody straightforward. I know whatever you said is for my own good. You want me to wake up and not do what I did again. I am stupid. Yes I know. Just don’t rub it in that much ok? I appreciate what you’ve done;. Really. Just bear in mind, I m not as strong as you think me to be. I am weak too. Especially now, so I hope you’ll be more sensitive with your words or I’ll think you are gloating over my misfortune. I am in a pathetic state. I admit it.
BimboQueen
8/23/2004 10:38:00 pm
